The “Ghostwriter”

Text from Gospel of John 14,6 Русский: Текст Евангелия от Иоанна 14,6 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been invisible for more than a month and I’m not proud of that. It’s incredibly frustrating…like watching grass go dormant during a drought. It’s not a creative drought though – quite the opposite. I’ve had tons of ideas. Time, on the other hand, has been elusive.

Parenting, writing, editing, consulting, teaching, ministering, and evolving all take time. So do eating, sleeping, driving, and plain old waiting. I try to wait effectively: I edit while I wait for choir practice to end; I write while I wait at soccer practice; I outline in my head while I wait at the red lights. I get the bird and a few loud horns when the light turns green and I’m still rearranging scenes in my head.

When you’re a writer, a creative, there’s so much to take in around you and so much to send back out.  Stuff gets inside you, whips around, shakes you up, and changes your perspective. As the Johnny Clegg tune says, it’s a “cruel, crazy, beautiful world” and the sources of inspiration are endless.

Over the last four or five weeks, these inspirations all caught my attention like sparkly objects in the water:

• The uniqueness of the Gospel of John, and seeing what sets him apart from Matthew, Mark, and Luke as a writer
• The Wings of the Morning aviation ministry in the Democratic Republic of Congo (more on that in a future post)
• All the amazing writers – the published and those still in there swinging – I met at the Western Reserve Writers Conference in Cleveland
• Bird life in my backyard
• An exciting blog called FullOn365 by the amazing Ana Neff (I can’t recommend it enough, along with her life-calling as a Ziji mentor. What’s Ziji? Well, you’ll just have to check it out!)

What really got me moving from “shoulds” to “oh-just-do-it-already!” was a recent post from Thoughts on Theatre called “Why We Write”.

She celebrates her 100th blog post reflecting on what she’s learned as a blogger. So as I sit here completing my 50th entry, I’m reflecting on her insights, and thinking how I can apply them to build a better blog and remain consistent.

The one that spoke to me the most was “Small Messages are often the Best Ones”, which reminded me that not every post needs to be an epic work of art. We don’t always have literary genius inside us. Sometimes it’s just a quirky little observation like “Huh. Guess what I learned today…”

The next idea that pushed me to try and get my groove back was “There are Few Things Better than a Good Laugh”. True that. There’s plenty of Serious out there. But whether it’s a full-out belly laugh or just a grin, we could all use a little more levity.

The third lesson on her list was “Keep Going”…and I’m going to quote her directly on this:

“No matter what. Life will pop up with it’s surprises both large and small, but let them push you forward instead of hold you back.”

I’d say that not only applies to consistent blogging, but living. Move forward, not backward.

In the spirit of moving forward, here’s an update on my Word of the Year progress:

• Attended the Belly Flea Agora with my friends Jen and Craig, which reminded me just how magical dance can be
• Purchased two exquisite hip scarves at said event, which was part dance show and part Moroccan bazaar
• Landed a part time job as a copywriter, returning to a former employer (more on that in another post)
• Submitted a 441-word story to NPR’s Three-Minute Fiction competition for Round 8. I pat myself on the back for completing and submitting a story, regardless of win-place-show or honorable mention
• On the books to teach FOUR classes this summer at Owens Community College (look for more on that soon, too)
• My first paintball experience – I discovered I have sniper tendencies. I’m like a paintball ninja!

I think if I’ve learned anything in 50 posts – and in life in general – it’s not enough to read about what other people are doing here in the blogosphere. You have to BE. You have to DO.

So get out there and have some fun – then tell me all about it!

One Foot in the Past, One Foot in the Future

Image by DanBrady via Flickr

It’s funny how when you decide to clean, you find stuff. Sometimes, it’s a note from the past.

A few weeks ago, I cleared the clutter from the top of the bedroom dresser and found a small, sealed envelope that said “May 15, 2011” on the front.  I knew that I hadn’t created the envelope in May of 2011, but it was my handwriting on the front in red ink.

Inside the envelope were two index cards. The light bulb came on.

In May 2010, my writers’ group – The Northwest Ohio Writers Forum – had a guest speaker, author Barbara Snow, who worked with us on overcoming writers block and breaking down those brick walls that keep “writers” from becoming “authors.”

The white index card from my past included five goals:

• have an essay accepted for publication
• have poetry published in The Sun magazine
• finish first draft of Vacancy (a young adult novel I’d started during NaNoWriMo 2009)
• submit ten stories or essays
• teach writing and editing.

Without grading on a curve, or awarding partial credit, I can only claim one out of five accomplished, and that’s teaching writing and editing.  If I award partial credit, I can give myself a half point for essay submissions (I’ve sent out three to either contests or web sites) and a half point for Vacancy, which is still a work in progress under a new working title.

On the green index card were five obstacles that I felt kept me from succeeding:

• reading for “free” (i.e. spending a lot of time saying “yes” when people ask, “Can you do me a favor and read this manuscript and tell me what you think?”)
•  picking up the kids from school (it is what it is – someone’s got to do it – but it never fails that I’m on a roll when I have to drop what I’m doing and go be Mom)
• worrying about money and putting food on the table
•  chores
• feeling “pointless.”  Although if I had to pick a different word, now I would choose “useless.”

As a full-time freelance editor and writer, reading and writing are my livelihood. It sounds strange to say I get paid to read, but, yeah – I get paid to read, followed by providing feedback and corrections with the goal of making your story stronger and more publishable.  A three-to-five-page short story?  Sure, I’ll read it and tell you what I think.  A 120,000-word high fantasy novel?  I’d love to, but there’s a fee.  A girl’s gotta eat.

I studied these index cards and concluded that very little had changed, at least as far as these particular notes and goals were concerned, and I felt disappointed with myself.

But since I am dedicated to living an optimistic life, I’ve decided to “spin” this and look at what’s going right, instead of wrong.

I love my work. I want to do more of it, and I’ve learned over the past year that my “problem” is I think like a Creative, not a businessperson.  I’m learning now from people I admire and trust how to think like an entrepreneur.  I’m trying to be more organized and less distracted. Improving my bottom line requires a little selfishness on my part sometimes. Chores and parenting responsibilities haven’t gone away, but creating that balance requires better organization. When the kids come home at 3 p.m., I stop working or work on things that can be interrupted.

But there’s that feeling of uselessness. It’s no use. I’m of no use.  It bubbles up with alarming frequency.

My response:  “Shut up. I’m working on it.”

I feel like I’m on the cusp of something good.  I just need a little more time.

And what about those goals?  What happened?

Life happened, that’s what.  New opportunities arose, my focus changed, my energy redirected, and it was by and large for the better.  You might say, “God had other plans.”

Poetry is not my passion.  I dabble in it. I’m okay with the way this goal turned out. I submitted three stories, which was three more than the year before. I’m finding the courage to put myself out there and be judged.  I’ve experimented with flash fiction and started a blog.  All positive steps forward, I’d say.

Personal essay, memoir, and other nonfiction seem to be the cornerstones of my writing life, but I also have young adult paranormal fiction and romantic fiction percolating.  November is National Novel Writing Month. Anything is possible.

Jill Kemerer, vice-president of the Maumee Valley Romance Writers Association, passed along some wisdom to me after the Write Brain Workshop.

“A best-selling author shared this in a workshop I attended, ‘You’re most tempted to quit when you’re close to being published.’  It’s impossible not to get discouraged or to banish our doubts all the time, but we just keep going.”

For the last year or so, I’ve had this feeling that I’m embarking on a new chapter, or a new volume, in the saga of my life. My faith has been restored. New gifts and talents have made themselves known. New people have come into my world as I’ve acknowledged to old friends how much I care about them, having conversations that were long overdue. It’s not that I’ve been systematically evicting people from my life – just closing doors and expressing gratitude.

I’m turning 43, and I’m standing at a crossroads. Going back is not an option.  There are many roads before me, and I can either stand here paralyzed by fear and doubt for the next 43 years – watching the sun rise and set, waving at people passing me by – or I can move, trusting that no matter where the road leads, I will end up where I am meant to be.

Next to my laptop are two index cards and an envelope that says “October 18, 2012.”  Time will tell.

Related articles

• It’s Almost Time For NaNoWriMo! (quirkygurl.com)
• Index Card Segments (savvyblogging.net)

Trust30: “Mirror, Mirror”

Image by epicture's via Flickr

“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.

I felt the timing was right to dig out this prompt. My internet tanked in the middle of the Trust 30 Challenge, so I didn’t get to this in June.  But now…it seems right.

A doctoral student at UCLA, who is preparing for her wedding in October, started a blog called Mirror, Mirror…OFF the Wall. After spending so much time gazing into mirrors as she tried on gowns, and not liking how she felt afterward, she decided to avoid mirrors and her reflection all together…for a year. This started back in March and will continue until next March.  She wrote, in part:

“In those moments I felt like the worst version of myself – insecure, indecisive, vain…More importantly, I had lost both time and emotional energy in the process.  The dress shopping had put me over the edge, and with the requisite wedding make-up and hair trials, there would be more vanity to come.  Something had to give.  It was time to take a serious look in the mirror – or was it?”

My gut reaction to the news coverage this received was, “What a crazy, extreme reaction! She’s a beautiful woman. Why is she avoiding looking at herself?”

But once I read her intentions, and understood where she was coming from…well, I still think it’s kind of extreme. I understand her intent and reasoning, and in her academic life, she studies the relationship between beauty and inequality. So it’s like using yourself as an experiment.

I’ve surrendered access to technology and clocks before with joy. Never missed them. At Lent, I gave up my obsessive need for answers…and was much better for it. So I can appreciate her motivation and intention behind this test.

So when I found the above Trust 30 prompt from Esther Poyer, I decided to take the challenge…to really, truly look at myself.  I’ve spent decades disliking myself with intensity because I didn’t look like the popular girl next to me in class…because somewhere in my psyche “tall” morphed into “fat”…

…and because I insisted on focusing on how I didn’t look, what I didn’t have, and what I couldn’t do, rather that the opposite.  Mirrors were a necessity for blow-drying my hair and applying mascara.  That didn’t mean I liked them.

Even as recently as last year, I sometimes felt a lump in my throat when I checked my reflection. I saw myself and wanted to cry in frustration.  I disliked the way I looked, the way my clothes fit, the way my hair fell. And I kept it to myself. I’m embarrassed to say that there were days I didn’t want to leave the house because I saw every flaw in vivid detail.  I’ve learned since that the root cause of the insecurity had other sources, and I was taking it out on my appearance.

Recently, I compared two sets of photos of myself, taken five years apart.  There were marked differences. The 2006 me looked good.  The 2011 me looked good…and happy. Because she was being more true to herself and appreciated herself “as is.” She didn’t just look happy – she WAS happy.

What I see…and what I know to be true…are not the same things.

When I look in the mirror, I see a vessel. A vessel with blue eyes, crow’s feet, and manic skin that can’t decide if it’s 16 or 50 – prone to breakouts and wrinkles at the same time.  The vessel has squared shoulders and a straight bearing, a strong spine that bears much. It’s spent a good amount of time in the sun recently, and it glows.  The vessel’s roots are starting to show, and it’s time for another appointment with Clairol 110.  But red or silver, there’s a crazy amount of curl that persists despite previous efforts to straighten it. And I rather like it now.

Looking deeper, harder, more intently…past the surface…the vessel contains a soul put here for a reason.

The vessel is a receptacle for knowledge, talents, gifts, and abilities.  It bundles together compassion, wisdom, courage, faith, love, curiosity, laughter, and tears.  It’s powered by spirit, motivated by a need for happiness, and capable of great good.  It writes, breathes, dances, embraces, and thinks.

She is fearfully and wonderfully made. Imperfect, but for a perfect purpose.

Look in your mirror. Fearlessly. Defiantly. What do you see?